Do I make you proud, God?

Have you ever wondered, if you were born other than to be yourself , would you be better off or would you be worse off? I wonder that a lot, about me. Would I be different you think? . Would I be more organised or more put together when I was very young? and not the Klutz I was then?

Would I be a better Muslim perhaps if I were to be sent to a Tahfiz school during my school years perhaps and went on to be an Ustazah? Then perhaps if I were, would I do a better job at raising my two daughters and wouldnt screw up that much? Would it be better off if I just stay put and didnt want to see the world so badly? Then perhaps if I was so much simpler, I might not wanting to see and own beautiful things and wearing beautiful stuff. Would I be better off if I were born on the other side of life, wanting simpler things then perhaps did lesser sins ?

I dont have an answer, as much as you do. The truth is, everybody is having their own journey of life that has been destined for them. The only thing you could change about anything at all, is the way you look at your life journey, the decision you have made and whether you have made the best out of everything you got.

But Still, I wonder.... would I be good enough for you God? I tried my best to be a good person but my best may not be good enough. So I keep on trying. Have I benefited many people already? Am I destined for a greater purpose and be able to do what I need to do ? When do I stop? Can one actually stop ? Hmmmmm

Inside of me I am still the same person . I can still remember the little girl in me, or the young teenager who wanted to be more and see many things and later became the ever so hopeful young adult who went through hell and back in preparation to be a wiser older woman.

I didnt get to choose to which family I was born into or to which parents, or to which society or to which country I belong to ..... but I do hope I go to heaven as small as I m feeling right now infront of God..... Not knowing when would be the time would I be a perfect human being and stop listening to the whisperings of Syaitan ....

But I do want to go to Heaven. I guess the perception of Heaven is different for everybody I guess. It depends on what you like of course. Since I like cats, then maybe my heaven will be full of cats, perhaps a shopping mall of my own, a beautiful garden, a quite stream and a beautiful garden where I can meditate and do yoga . Perhaps my very own cafe that I dont have to lift any fingers for but one that will always be spic and span and a coffee machine that can miraculously work it's own magic.

So, if heaven can be created wherever we are, shouldnt we just live nicely and try not to not sweat the sweat stuff? I think so. Not asking anyone to agree but just for my thought to be loud ...